June 30, 2014 |
i was able to get a second class that started midway through the semester, which was great because then these last few months wouldnít be a complete waste. i went to the class on the first day, and decided after about fifteen minutes that i would be dropping it and not going back. iíll get to the reason in a moment. the teacher was a hottie, though. that might not seem relevant but trust me, it is. i know that the instructorís physical attractiveness isnít necessarily pertinent or indicative of her ability to teach a communications class, but i found that including this detail was of critical importance. i think you might see where iím going with this out of the corner of your eye, but i really need you to focus here and pay attention because this is super important. i included the bit about the sexy teacher because i wanted to emphasize the fact that i donít give a FUCK about MISOGYNY or EQUAL RIGHTS or SOCIAL JUSTICE or INSTITUTIONAL PATRIARCHY. GAY MARRIAGE or STRAIGHT MARRIAGE, DIMINISHING REPRODUCTIVE RIGHTS, ERODING SOCIAL FREEDOMS, THE EXPANDING POLICE STATE, INCREASING CORPORATE DOMINATION OF THE MEDIA, EXPLODING POLITICAL PARTISANSHIP, DECLINING NATURAL RESOURCES, IMPENDING ENVIRONMENTAL CATASTROPHE, not any of that. DANGEROUS DRUG-RESISTANT STRAINS OF BACTERIA? ASCENDANT ISLAMIC MILITANTS WANTING TO ESTABLISH A GLOBAL CALIPHATE? MYSTERIOUSLY VANISHING BEE POPULATIONS? no, no, NO. what about an ULTIMATELY MEANINGLESS EXISTENCE IN WHICH EVERYTHING I SAY OR DO WILL EVENTUALLY BE FORGOTTEN BY ALL THOSE I CARE ABOUT INCLUDING MY DISTANT OFFSPRING WHEN OUR ENTIRE PLANET IS SWALLOWED BY THE VERY SAME SUN THAT GAVE BIRTH TO US IN THE FIRST PLACE? god, youíre just not getting it. i donít know how to get through to you. i donít give a FUCK about SCHOOL or ANYTHING or ANYONE. the ONLY thing i care about in the ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE is for this DICKHEAD DOCTOR to PICK UP HIS FUCKING TELEPHONE. oh god itís ringing and ringing and RINGING AND RINGING and he wonít fucking ANSWER IT. iíve tried day iíve tried night, early, late, all it does is ring. what kind of FUCKING ASSHOLE gives you his DIRECT LINE and then NEVER ANSWERS IT? NO VOICEMAIL, JUST RINGING. here, iíll try again right now. OHHHH GODDDD ITíS RINGING AGAIN PLEEASSSE PICKKK UPPPP. i KNOW how to fix it now PLEASE GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE PLEASSSE. oh NO if he never answers iím not going to look cool on the furthest most far-reaching corner of the internet! OHHHHH NOOOOOO PLEASE GOD NOT THAT, I HAVE TO LOOK COOL. heís not going to answer! MILLIONS OF INSECT EGGS HATCHING INSIDE OF MY BODY. UGHHHHHH PLEASE ANSWEERRRRRR. oh NO youíve GOT to be fucking kidding me, i JUST saw them walk into their house and they LEFT THAT FUCKING PORCH LIGHT ON AGAIN. now itís going to be on ALL NIGHT pointed at me AND THEYíRE NOT EVEN USING IT, THEYíRE IN FOR THE NIGHT AND GOING TO BE SLEEPING, AND YET THEY INSIST THAT THIS UGLY-ASS LIGHT BE STARING AT ME ALL FUCKING NIGHT. i would knock on the door and ask them to turn it off but iím STUCK HERE listening to a ringing phone. oh, i get it now! that light is just a giant metaphor for those porch light pricks PROJECTING THEIR FEELINGS OF HOPELESSNESS AND CLAUSTROPHOBIA ONTO OTHERS. man, these people are sick. they donít even know me, and yet they spend HOURS OF THEIR LIFE OBSESSING OVER ME AND HOW THEY CAN MAKE ME SUFFER. itís pathetic. somebody please get them to a therapist. they desperately need help. god, this is SUCH a waste of my time. iím supposed to be spending every waking hour of my life DESPERATELY trying to get laid, and yet iím CHAINED to this phone waiting for it to be answered. the other day i was talking to a friend of mine and she said something to the effect of, ďyou only find someone when you stop looking.Ē i immediately expressed my displeasure and disagreement with her statement. oh, donít worry, i wasnít rude or anything i was super nice about it i just made it clear that what she said was ABSOLUTELY THE MOST RETARDED THING I HAD EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. i politely asserted that this was MY INDOOR VOICE, and that this was me being friendly about it, BUT THAT WHAT SHE SAID WAS SERIOUSLY UNFATHOMABLY RETARDED. just so you know, i didnít mean retarded in the adolescent colloquial sense of the word, no. i would never endorse using such language. we need to teach our kids to express thought sophisticatedly, using more articulate language, without resorting to PERNICIOUS PROFANITY and OBNOXIOUS OVERUSE OF CAPITAL LETTERS. no, thatís not how i was using the word. what i meant was that her statement was SO MIND-BLOWINGLY STUPID that the ONLY way to accurately and appropriately represent her statement was to MAKE FUN OF INNOCENT CHILDREN WITH MENTAL DISABILITIES. the only thing i can think of more asinine than what she said was this DEUTSCHLAND DOUCHEBAG thinking that putting a metal bar ON THE SAME PLANE AS MY SPINE and EXTENDING IT ALL THE WAY AROUND TO THAT VERY SAME PLANE ON THE OTHER SIDE would somehow help me when in fact it would very predictably cause me INCALCULABLE PAIN AND SUFFERING, and which, under normal circumstances would be EXIGENT CAUSE FOR IMMEDIATE REMOVAL but for me the only way forward being to endure YEARS of AGONY AND SLEEPLESS NIGHTS. when i FINALLY make it to the finish line, HEíS NOT EVEN AROUND TO ANSWER THE GODDAMN TELEPHONE. HE JUST LETS IT RING AND RING AND RING AND RING AND RING AND RING AND RING ANDóbusy signal!!! ah hah! iíve got you now. see, i didnít need that communications class anyway.
© barry reinschreiber