November 13, 2007 |
when i'm afraid of doing something it builds up in my mind. it envelopes my entire body like a virus and takes control. it gets to the point where i'm shaking, my heart is pounding, my head is hurting. i start to feel ill. it happens because i let it happen, because i want it to happen. it happens because i want my fears to suffocate me, to have me lying on the floor in pain to the point where i can't take it anymore, to the point where it's killing me, to the point where i must do something. i let it happen because i need it to. because i know i'm going to do it, i just have to be reminded why. for some reason, my neighbors find it absolutely necessary to have their air conditioner on at night in the middle of november when it's sixty-eight degrees outside. their air conditioner does not throttle on and off at a certain temperature like saner air conditioners, it merely stays on for the duration of the evening. their air conditioner is right outside my window. their air conditioner, if i had to guess, probably hovers around fifty decibals of noise. normal conversation is about sixty decibals. the noise ordinance law for los angeles county for constant noise is five decibals. that air conditioner drives me fucking insane. it's motherfucking november and it's in the motherfucking sixties outside and you motherfucking assholes find it necessary to destroy the planet with your goddamn bullshit fucked-up old broken vomit-inducing air conditioner that drives me so fucking insane and i'd seriously rather have six more metal bars in my chest than endure another night of that god-forsaken air conditioner. i hate it so much, it's so fucking obnoxious, i just can't fucking take it. i hate it i hate it i hate it, i've hated it for so long, it's so fucking obnoxious i hate it. you're keeping your kids extra cool in the winter so they're extra prepared for the upcoming enviornmental crisis, you stupid morons. but it's not entirely their fault, not at all really, because their neighbors don't complain, they don't do anything about it. the neighbors seem to be especially understanding. the dogs, the drums, the air conditioner, the dumbass kids with their aol instant messenger noises, even at sixteen that stupid dumbfuck kid still needs those motherfucking badiiiiing badooong baddiiiiinnng baddoooong baddiiiiiing badoooning really you stupid dumbass kid, really kid? you really need those fucking noises to have a conversation with somebody you stupid dumb fuck, you really need to be alerted everytime somebody has something to say? i am about to write a sentence!!!!! hi. i am about to write a reply!!!!!!!!! what's up? i am about to respond to your question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not much, you? but the neighbors don't seem to mind, they're fine with it. they don't complain. they just sit there. it doesn't makes them suffer. it doesn't eat them up inside. if it really bothered them, well, i suppose they would just complain, right? we've been making this much noise for years, with no complaints, everything must be fine. everything is not fine. these are simple things to correct. all i have to do is go over and talk to victor, and he'll be understanding and he'll fix things. but i'm so scared. i'm so afraid to do it. it's so annoying and inconvenient. why do i have to do it? why can't things just be peaceful, the way i want them? why does it have to be difficult? it's all about discomfort. the discomfort caused by the noise is less than the discomfort caused by me having to go over there and have a confrontation. that's why i sit in suffering. that's why i can't do it. because it will get better tomorrow. it will. it will be colder. it's almost december. in december they'll turn it off. they will. they didn't in september or october but i don't have to do anything now because it's almost december. it's fine. maybe they won't use it tonight. tonight things will get better. it may be bad now but it will get better tonight. but it won't, will it? they won't. that's why i feel so sick. because i have to go over and do it, i have to i have to i have to, and i know i will i will i will but i hate it so much i hate it i hate i hate it i'm so nervous please just do it without me please please please why do i have to do it i just want it to be done i just want things to be the way i want them and i don't want to have to feel sick and have to do anything that makes me uncomfortable why does it have to be so hard, just be done with it just do it just do it just do it, do it now, i know i will the whole time i know i will it's just that it makes me so sick to know that i will, it's so stupid and simple and yet it's so hard for me, i make it so hard, i make it absolutely sicken me to the point where it just has to be done, because then i do it, because then i don't run away.
© barry reinschreiber