December 08, 2009 |
i want to have sex with sixteen year old girls, more so than when i was actually sixteen. i'm writing this in the state of nevada, so i'm allowed to say that. when i get back to california it won't be true anymore. i want my hair to be shiny but not oily. i've spent hundreds of dollars in the past year searching for the perfect underwear. it has to be merino wool. first i bought boxers, then i bought boxer briefs, then i bought briefs. first i bought them in extra-large, then i bought them in large, then i bought them in medium. then i bought more in medium. visible pores on my face are totally unacceptable. presumably my first girlfriend has an ass; i wonder how big it is? you can tell from my voice that i am a virgin. milk is probably poison. the lettuce at subway is probably green confetti. hopefully i won't get a five-hundred and fifty dollar speeding ticket on the way home this time. for a while i was anxious about having an anus. there is a hole at the bottom of me? what if all my shit falls out? my dad lives with his brother now; rick is in iraq, driving a six million dollar truck for the army, so he can pay his two ex-wives. i came here, took my dad to a fish store (he likes fish), then we ate, then we came home and i listened to him sleep while i energetically researched white goose down bedding. medium density pillows, for back sleepers. i'm passionate about consumerism. i've memorized my debit card numbers. 4868272010480604. i have no interest in having money; only the things that money pays for. i have social and sexual anxiety. i just have to get it in that hole. but, how? no, no, don't tell me, i'm doing just fine over here, with my otters. why am i doing this, holding the steering wheel with my knees while going eighty-five, writing this down, so i don't forget? all of the memories this drive brings. a year ago, coming here to take my dad to a show. my first purchase, back when the money had promise. yes, i will go down to zero. if i wasn't willing to, would i be the kind of person able to get it in the first place? i am the sum of my influences and experiences. or, the time years ago, on the way back, when my father casually informed me that i am the product of artificial insemination. i am sperm in a cup, in a laboratory, next to pornographic magazines. evolution weeded me out of existence, then weeded me back in. i want to be all things to all people at all times. i know i won't be, but if i try anyway, i might be some things to some people some of the time, and that is sufficient.
© barry reinschreiber