December 16, 2009 |
it's today. that's what they think. i'm in a gown. you can finally do the right thing. they've given me something. you can wait till as long as you can and then tell them you're getting the fuck out of here. i'm starting to fade. you can still leave. i have waitied for this for so long. you'll say, fuck you motherfuckers, i'm leaving. i'm here because i want to be here. get up and leave now, dumbass. i have been so patient. you weak goddamned imbecile, it can never be what you want. for five years, i have been waiting for this moment. you will still have pain. every place i needed to go, every person i needed help from, every thing that needed to be done, since april, i did, only to be where i am sitting now. you have one final opportunity to do the right thing. i am so tired. you can walk away. i just want them to let me go. but you won't. now, i'm ready. you're pathetic. it's cold. this is so goddamned stupid. i'm so cold. this is absolutely motherfucking retarded. i haven't been able to breathe comfortably for five years. it's not going to change anything. five years of my life, and this is it. for the rest of your life, it will be as you are, or worse. i am alone in the universe. we are alone in the universe. there is nothing else. there never was.

i couldn't see it at the time, but i liked myself. i was happy. since then, all i have ever wanted in the entire world is to have that back. i have searched relentlessly, with no success. it is lost, maybe forever. i have tried for five years to revive him, but i have failed. he died on that day; i am his ghost. in a few hours, i will die, too, and whomever emerges will be mine.
© barry reinschreiber