May 07, 2010 |
i sold my playstation 3 so i could buy makeup brushes. i want a MAC 190 foundation brush but i can't decide if i trust the ebay brushes yet so i may have to drive twenty miles north to a town that actually has a mall and pay retail price. the fish wasn't defrosted yet so i had beans for dinner. black beans. with salt. and water. starving in petaluma, near san francisco. i check my bank account, ninety dollars. i remember there used to be a lot more zeros. i wonder where all those other zeros went. tomorrow, after josh does my hair and lindsay does my brows, another zero lost. josh and lindsay are married. but there is still the playstation money. it's coming soon. makeup brushes. bare escentuals concealer brush. that one we can ebay. i can save money. i am responsible. i am living on my own, in a one-hundred year old hotel-converted-apartments in downtown small town middle of somewhere northern california. south of here is san francisco, and north is santa rosa, where the nearest MAC is. i need a foundation brush more than i need a playstation. retail price is $32. plus tax. fuck. plus gas to get there. fuck. i have to buy toilet paper. i have to go to the store and buy it. it costs me money to wipe my own ass. i can't eat out anymore. i still go to whole foods. only unpasteurized orange juice. that other shit is not juice. i won't drink it. they fucking boil that shit it's not juice i don't care what they say. florida oranges, 100% juice, not from concentrate, it's all bullshit. it has to be fresh squeezed. i have to fuck another human being. i wake up with a hard-on, and there's no use for it. i can't jerk off anymore it's so fucking boring i hate it. i have to be better. this is not good enough. i am not good enough. i can't sleep, i can't breathe, i can't get out of bed, i can't find a job, i can't shed the chest bandage, i can't function without the chest bandage, i can't shed this asphyxiation. likewise, i can't achieve flawless skin without makeup, and i can play video games on my computer, so i can shed the playstation.
© barry reinschreiber