May 30, 2007 |
can't sleep, but i'm so tired. i just want to fall asleep.

fuck you, sun. fuck you, drilling neighbors. fuck you, barking dogs. please, just let me sleep, at least for a little while.

sometimes it hurts so much, i just want the pain to stop.

i can feel it tied around my ribs on both sides. like two screws have been drilled inside of me.

please, just take it out.

sometimes i just want to throw up my arms and give up, and fall asleep forever. next to an otter, forever. i can settle for that, right?

no, i can't.

i can't give up. it's not by choice. i just...can't.

that's why this bar is there, after all.

i had to make it worse in order for it to get better. i hope so, anyway.

i'm in love again.

an older girl posted a surgery journal on the pectus boards. she was at cedars too. i told her reading it was like reading a gushing love letter, straight to me.

because i felt like i was there the whole time.

because i was. because i've been through everything she has. three times.

-Mood is getting worse; lots of crying; episodes of pain are making me edgy; getting really depressed and withdrawn; just want to be left alone
-Really bad night that took 2 Vicodins just to lie down initially and many hours to deal with; rarely getting to sleep before 3am; should have moved around more today; very stiff; bar poking a lot

i'm sitting in her hospital room, in the chair in the corner, watching her, like a ghost.

it's nice, to feel connected like this.

she can't see me but i'm sitting there watching her pain. no, sharing it.

but i'm smiling. because i know she can get through it. because she doesn't have a choice anymore.

just push harder, harder, harder.

keep pushing. you have to.

eventually, sleep will come.

© barry reinschreiber