fuck you, sun. fuck you, drilling neighbors. fuck you, barking dogs. please, just let me sleep, at least for a little while.
sometimes it hurts so much, i just want the pain to stop.
i can feel it tied around my ribs on both sides. like two screws have been drilled inside of me.
please, just take it out.
sometimes i just want to throw up my arms and give up, and fall asleep forever. next to an otter, forever. i can settle for that, right?
no, i can't.
i can't give up. it's not by choice. i just...can't.
that's why this bar is there, after all.
i had to make it worse in order for it to get better. i hope so, anyway.
i'm in love again.
an older girl posted a surgery journal on the pectus boards. she was at cedars too. i told her reading it was like reading a gushing love letter, straight to me.
because i felt like i was there the whole time.
because i was. because i've been through everything she has. three times.
-Mood is getting worse; lots of crying; episodes of pain are making me edgy; getting really depressed and withdrawn; just want to be left alone
-Really bad night that took 2 Vicodins just to lie down initially and many hours to deal with; rarely getting to sleep before 3am; should have moved around more today; very stiff; bar poking a lot
i'm sitting in her hospital room, in the chair in the corner, watching her, like a ghost.
it's nice, to feel connected like this.
she can't see me but i'm sitting there watching her pain. no, sharing it.
but i'm smiling. because i know she can get through it. because she doesn't have a choice anymore.
just push harder, harder, harder.
keep pushing. you have to.
eventually, sleep will come.