June 09, 2007 |
1.) always bring a pen to the post office.

2.) number two was stupid, so i deleted it.

3.) i'm not trying to get inside your pants, i'm trying to get inside your head.

4.) a girl once told me i looked just like her ex-boyfriend. that meant she thought i was cute. this was a very long time ago.


6.) an open apology to that girl at the focus group meeting. she was attracted to me but i wasn't capable. i turned my back to her and looked confident and was well dressed and she probably hoped that i could make her come with my fingers and that was two years ago but honestly i still haven't a clue. i'm sorry, i couldn't help it. it's all my fault. i didn't want things to go like they did. some shit happened to me, stupid shit that can't be changed. i'm so sorry. i haven't forgotten you though. i'm still alive and so are you, assuming you haven't got hit by a bus. i'm coming for you. i'll never meet or speak to you again or even remember what you look like but it's all for you. everything is all about you. thank you for this purpose.

7.) when you're depressed being around other people just makes you more lonely.

8.) i want to own a chinese restaurant so it can be known around town that there's a chinese restaurant where half the fortunes in the fortune cookies are bad news. grim, depressing, terrible news. you continuously disappoint your parents. your job performance is subpar, look for new employment. your children are in danger. your girlfriend might be cheating on you. (in bed.)

9.) have you ever thought of the absolute brilliance that is the yellow light? green red is chaos. green yellow red is utopian. if you think government is the problem, then fuck you - people (you) are the problem. government put yellow lights everywhere. from there, the citizens went and fucked everything up. the lights still work though.


11.) i wouldn't sell otter3 for a million dollars. no, i'm serious.

12.) i love to play characters. if you think i'm lazy that's how i'm gonna be. if you think i'm intelligent and insightful, i'm going to lecture you on the dualistic nature of man consisting of physical and spiritual selves and how heroism is really just a self created illusion in order to transcend the problem of mortality. if you think i'm funny, i will make you laugh. if you think i get laid i'm going to act like it. if you think this whole otter thing is stupid and i need to grow up and get over it, i'm going to pester you with otter sounds. "ott!! ott!! ott!!" is perception reality? it is for our relationship. rather than go against you i'm just going to give you what you want. it's easier that way.

13.) sometimes my views change. a lot. i'm fickle. last week cars were the coolest thing in the world and this week cars are retarded and i want to live somewhere that doesn't require i have a car. it doesn't mean i'm indecisive it just means that i'm endlessly evolving. i like to think so, anyway.

14.) sometimes things get fucked up and then stay that way forever.

15.) every failure brings me closer to the truth, and therefore i bask in disappointment.

16.) when i set my alarm i think about the end of the dream i'm having the next morning and how i just need a few more minutes to find out what happens.

17.) before my last surgery in november i was scheduled to be there at 11 a.m. and at 11:05 a.m. i was across the street in a fancy beverly hills salon getting my nails painted "picket fence" by a cute asian girl and her companion. i had to decline the massage though, i'm sorry, i'm just in a little bit of a hurry, i'm having surgery across the street today. the girl asked me what i was having surgery on. "my chest." "ohh...so it's nothing serious?" no no, of course not.

18.) i'm worried about my mother; all she does is watch game shows.

19.) in the year 2057, health insurance will cost 25% of your income.

20.) porn is a good thing for society.

21.) we are all products of rape.


© barry reinschreiber