July 23, 2007 |
barry is busy working on important tasks for the marcus and millichap real estate firm. he cannot be bothered at the present time to provide you with entertainment or thoughtful insights. he is working. he cannot be slacking off and spending time at his computer looking at headphone amplifiers or celebrity gossip. spending time on his diary at work would be completely unacceptable. jodi desperately needs all six-thousand of those e-mails (including attachments, which may or may not include detailed photographs that take an enormous amount of time to print just by themselves) printed and therefore she needs her temp, barry, to remain focused and dedicated to the printing project and not distracted by meaningless and time consuming endeavors such as composing lengthy diary entries. we apologize for the inconvenience.

in the meantime, please take a moment to read the following interesting facts about barry that his co-workers are completely unaware of. barry finds it utterly fascinating that while all of the following facts are true, his co-workers have absolutely no idea of their existence. all they see is barry, the printer guy who's helping jodi, whom dutifully spends his time printing important legal documents for the benefit of marcus and millichap real estate partners incorporated and not, say, using the company computer and spending company time and money to write for his personal diary, which doesn't really benefit the company much if at all and really only benefits barry personally and even then doesn't really benefit him all that much because in most cases his diary paints him in a very unfavorable light and reveals dirty, horrible secrets about him like how he occasionally masturbates at night. (this is, of course, supplementary to the copious amount of masturbating done during the day.)

dear co-workers:

1.) barry has a metal bar in his chest.

2.) as a result of #1, barry is in physical pain. as bored as you are at your cubicle, and as miserable and unfulfilled as you are at work and in your life in general, barry is all of these things, and at the same time he is also in pain. it hurts for him to sit up straight. it also hurts for him to sit hunched over. sometimes, even taking a deep breath is painful. it always hurts.

3.) you might assume that once barry's metal bar is taken out on august 1, that the problems associated with #2 will go away, along with the bar. this is simply not the case. there is absolutely no guarantee that the two variables are interconnected. it may be possible that barry will have to suffer this way for the rest of his life. this makes barry very nervous and upset and frustrated and causes him to lose sleep at night. this is why barry is always eight minutes late to work.

4.) barry has otters at home. they probably don't like you. they're exceptionally bitter otters. especially 2.

5.) barry is disgusted by all of you. he thinks you're all a bunch of shady, opportunistic slime balls that profit off of other people's desire to obtain reasonable shelter. barry is more disgusted when he recognizes that he, too will eventually choose his own personal well-being and survival over the welfare of unsuspecting potential homeowners.

6.) whenever barry is inside of a cubicle, he becomes extremely horny. he finds the office environment to be horribly unnatural and unhealthy for human beings and therefore whenever inside of one he feels his primal instincts take hold and all he can think about is sex. if you were to look at him right now, know that he's probably thinking about sex. not just a little bit, like in those "men think about sex every nine seconds" news reports where they describe it as the man going "oh yeah, sex!" and then moving on to attending the presentation on the 1749 cooling property in conference room b. no, this is a compulsory mental-trance obsession, where the voice inside barry's head is saying sex. sex. sex. sex. fuck. fuck. fuck. you have to fuck now. what the fuck are you doing?! working in a fucking office?! what the fuck?! that's not getting laid! you need to leave now! you need to get to the fucking mall and bang girls! that's your purpose! your purpose is not to sit at a motherfucking desk! if you walked up to barry and introduced yourself (as some of you have done; what's up marco?) barry would smile big at you and shake your hand and say "good to meet you." but what he's really thinking about is having sex and getting the fuck out of the office as soon as possible and having sex. when barry is in a cubicle all he wants to do is fuck. fuck, kill, dominate. he wants to tear the office apart and kill the men and fuck the women. barry does not have time to indulge these thoughts at the present time, however, as he is deeply involved in the printing task.

7.) the reason barry is smiling is that his friendly boss jodi has allowed him to bring his half broken ipod and new set of $300 earphones to the office. barry feels that the quality of products can be inferred from their price, he feels this is a very reasonable approach, and will therefore let the price of the earphones speak to their quality. (update: barry has since found the earphones to be severely lacking in the high range of the frequency spectrum. he has sold the $300 earphones and expects that his new $400 pair should be arriving in the mail any day now. barry assures you not to worry, none of these purchases were made on credit. barry's credit cards were maxed out long ago.)

8.) in addition to the earphones, barry has also obtained a copy of the recently released remastered bloodsport soundtrack. barry finds eighties-style synthesizer music to be exquisitely beautiful. also, barry and his internet friend jorah have discovered that the entire range of human emotion is accurately represented within the tracks of the bloodsport soundtrack. it contains a song for any and every emotion, situation, activity, or feeling. right now, trying to sit up in his chair comfortably, barry feels like "chong li kills." when he gets home and can lay down, it will be "morning after." his favorite song is "second day", it can be used for any situation; it is the soundtrack's wild card. when his bar is taken out, he wants to feel like "finals." unfortunately, the "triumph" part of the song appears more unlikely with every passing day. it might just so happen that, for barry, the song ends when chong li throws powder in frank dux's face and beats him up and leaves him lying on the floor.

9.) barry laughed to himself on the inside when he realized that he was sitting right next to the one girl in the office he finds most sexually attractive. she is very cute and sometimes barry can't stop thinking about her. he wants to grab her and shove her into a closet and stick his penis inside of her. barry would seriously do this it's just that he's too busy printing.

10.) barry is stealing tea. he grabs handfuls of packets from the break room and shoves them down his pockets.

11.) barry is not liable for any of the preceding facts; he did not author any of them. they are most likely completely false. barry has an alibi; he was at work, with you, in the office, working, and therefore it is impossible for him to have written any of them because to have done so while at work when he was supposed to have been working would have been staggeringly irresponsible.

© barry reinschreiber